My Day as a "Choose Your Own Adventure" Book
Your alarm just went off, and another day at work lies ahead. But it's only 7 am, and your bed is warm.
To get up, turn to page 58. To stay in bed, turn to page 19.
(page 58)
You're driving to work. Oh, no! Some asshole in an Escalade is speeding up behind you in your lane. His intentions are surely to switch lanes at the last moment and speed by you. But your pride is at stake: Are you going to let some asshole in an Escalade just speed by you like that? Or are you going to risk an accident and cut him off?
To stay in your lane, turn to page 70. To switch lanes and cut the asshole in the Escalade off while waving your finger out your window in the same manner that Dikembe Mutombo might react following a blocked shot during his NBA career, turn to page 22.
(page 22)
Uh-oh. The asshole in the Escalade isn't happy, and soon, he's caught up to you in the other lane. He's shouting obscenities at you. This is Los Angeles, and you've watched many episodes of "Gangland" depicting scary people with guns, people who didn't grow up in towns where the worst thing that would ever happen would still be merely deemed a "suspicious activity" in the town newspaper. But you just cut him off like a badass, and you're still in your car. What's the worst that could happen?
To talk back to the asshole in the Escalade with hilarious witticisms, turn to page 61. To look straight ahead and scream "Sorry! Sorry!", turn to page 89.
(page 61)
Oh, no! He DOES have a gun! Should have listened to "Boom Boom" on the Oakland 13th St. Triads episode of Gangland! As you relive your entire life in four painful seconds, the sound of...
(turn frantically to page 89)
You've arrived at work safely, but there isn't much to do. Resourcefully, you've brought in your laptop - it's writing time! Those hilarious screenplays aren't going to write themselves. But Sporcle.com just uploaded "Name the Receivers Who've Caught the Most Passes From Tom Brady" - you'd dominate! What, are you just gonna turn that down? You've got time.
To open your laptop and start writing, turn to page 35. To get in the 99th percentile by being part of the 1.3% of quiz-takers who remember "Doug Gabriel," turn to page 60.
(page 60)
It's the afternoon, and you're driving again. The silence bothers you, so you turn on the radio. There are commercials on every radio station you listen to, except two. One plays Kings of Leon's "Sex on Fire," and the other is ESPN Radio. The two ESPN Radio hosts seem to be yelling at each other about Andrew Bynum.
To sit through "Sex on Fire" and scream at nobody about how every Kings of Leon song sounds like the last five minutes of "Grizzly Man," turn to page 98. To turn it to ESPN Radio and fight off calling in and becoming the exact thing you loathe for two awkward minutes, turn to page 83.
(page 83)
Oh, no! You couldn't fight it off, and soon, Max Kellerman is yelling at you about Eli Manning's numbers in Super Bowl 42. He hung up on you before you could rebut, and now massive losers everywhere around LA are calling in to make fun of you. Should have sat through "Sex on Fire" after all. Do you want to rewind five minutes and sit through "Sex on Fire"?
To still offer a resounding "Fuck no" to the option of listening to that steaming dumpster fire, turn to page 46.
(page 46)
You've arrived home. You've planned to go to the gym since the morning. But there's an "Unsolved Mysteries" marathon on TV, and though it's now hosted by Dennis Farina for some reason and not Robert Stack (or at least a "Weekend at Bernie's" version of Robert Stack), it's still massively watchable.
To go to the gym and feel a little bit better about yourself, turn to page 5. To watch "Unsolved Mysteries" for four hours and try to guess out loud which segments will have "Updates," turn to page 91.
(page 91)
Well, it's midnight. You have to wake up early tomorrow and start a new day at work. But your non-blog hasn't been updated in 101 days, and your last two articles were pretty weak, to be honest.
To go to bed, turn to page 66. To write an article that eight people will read on your three year-old non-blog that should have been taken behind the shed and shot in 2009, turn to page 36.
(page 36)
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