“How do I use it?” “Is it hard?” “Does it hurt? “ “Will it make people like me?” While this might sound like—or even remind you of—losing your sexual virginity, this isn’t what you think. No, this is about losing another type of virginity. A more important type of virginity. A better virginity. This is about losing your Twitter virginity. 

With my proven 12-step program, you’re not only guaranteed to lose your Twitter virginity, you’re guaranteed to become a Twitter professional. And the best part is, the more you practice, the more you do it, the more you’re gonna love it. In virtually no time at all, you’ll join the likes of the world’s hottest celebs—everyone from Barack Obama to Kim Kardashian, and even those strange little fellows Justin Bieber and Andy Dick! 

Still not convinced? What if I told you that Oprah Winfrey and Fred Durst are also on Twitter? Is that something you might be interested in? Alright!

Now, take my hand and follow me into the fascinating world of Twitter. I promise to go slow in the beginning so you get the hang of it, but then I’m gonna kick it into high gear so we can really have some fun. So, what do you say? Are you ready to pop that Twitter cherry? 

Let’s do it!

• Get a computer and some internet. Both of these are available in stores and online. If you think you might not be a computer person, then a cell phone with internet capability will also work. If you’re not a fan of these options, then head on over to your local library and check out the book 150 New and Improved Ways to Kill Yourself. 

• Think of a clever username for your Twitter account. Lots of famous people will potentially be able to see this, so think long and hard. Try a few different names until you find the right fit. Some combination of your name, a nickname, initials, a dead childhood pet’s name, your favorite guilty pleasure snack and any arbitrary numbers is ideal.

• A “tweet” is what you write, either on your own Twitter page or on someone else’s. This is different from a “twat.”

• Display an array of emotions by tweeting a sentence in 140 characters or less. No, not like characters in a book. Characters like letters and various forms of punctuation, which, when combined, make up words and sentences that express how you feel about something at any given point in time.

• Search for people you think are cool and “follow” them. This gives you instant access to everything they write. Don’t waste your time following people who aren’t famous. Twitter is all about being an individual, so focus all of your attention on following as many celebrities and random, bizarre famous people as humanly possible. The more, the merrier.

• Don’t get mad because you don’t have very many followers. This just means you’re not famous. And if you are in fact famous and still don’t have very many followers, this just means that you aren’t nearly as famous as you think, so fuck you and your inflated ego.

• The world is your oyster, so don’t be a communist and “protect your tweets.” It’s pretentious and unbecoming. While protecting your tweets is a good way to decide who you want to give access to reading your tweets, it’s also an even better way for the government to assume you’re a terrorist. Public Tweets: Good. Protected Tweets: Bad. 

• Always do your homework. A minimum of one hour a day on Twitter can mean the difference between being the awesome guy at the party who jokes about Ashton Kutcher’s cool tweets or being the middle-aged woman who gets banished from the hair salon because she doesn’t follow Joy Behar. Put in the time now and save yourself the embarrassment forever.

• If you can’t think of anything funny, overtly-opinionated, informational or sexy to tweet, feel free to tweet something awkward or generally unfunny at a celebrity. This is by far the closest and best thing to pretending you know famous people without actually knowing famous people. Take note of what each celebrity typically likes and write something that correlates with that. Sometimes, they even respond. 

• Embrace the “hashtag.” This is the # symbol with a word or phrase after it. A list of these on the side of your screen shows themes that are currently trending across Twitter. This typically goes after your Tweet and is accompanied by an already-popular theme or one of your own liking. This is a great way to draw attention to your account. Here’s an example of a tweet, followed by a hashtag and a theme that’s currently trending right now:

          @DariusDaDude Craaaazy birthday party last night!!! #shimmeringanalbeads

• Go ahead and download the Twitpic feature. This allows you to share all your pictures with every single person ever on the internet. Posting lots of sexy and compromising pictures is an especially effective way to skip step 3 and assure that step 6 never, ever happens to you. Also, remember not to mess with the privacy settings. Revert to step 8.

• Talk a bunch of shit. Find a celebrity that you can’t stand, and start a fight. Start with someone small like Louis CK or Josh Groban and work your way up to the big leagues. If you’re persistent, it’ll pay off and you’ll either be kicked off Twitter or given your own unfunny TV show on CBS.