Ann Coulter owes everything she owns (or I guess, everything she has purchased with money) to publicly making other people upset at her. Over the last fifteen-ish years, Miss Coulter - a "conservative", though, to be sure, that point is incidental in the same way one might call Tracy Morgan a "Scorpio" - has gone out of her way to be the loudest, blondest contrarian in media, and she sleeps on a mattress of shredded one-hundred dollar bills because of it.**

            Recently, however, her relevance gradually fading by way of brash one-upsmanship in the "Really?" department from the Becks and Hannities of the zeitgeist, Coulter's stock has plummeted, the Fox News version of the vibrating two-way pager. So, in essence, it should surprise no one that she attempted to pull a "Flutie in the Orange Bowl" this week, explaining to "Homocon" (great name, by the way - like naming your Mustang-enthusiast club "We love Mustangs") that despite her support for their group, gay marriage "is not a civil right - you're not black."

             Herein lies the crux of my main issue with Miss Coulter. One's normal reaction to this statement would seem to be outrage, and as the Tea Party has proven over the last year and a half, where there's outrage, there's absolutely nothing else. That's a problem. Because as long as we continue to be angry at Coulter, we can't also point out how wildly unfunny she is and has been for years. Thankfully, that's what I'm here for.

"If Gore had been elected president, right now he would just be finding that last lesbian quadriplegic for the Special Forces team." -- Coulter, October 14th, 2002.

Actual Democratic reaction (paraphrased): "Hey, Ann - stop it! That's not nice! Jeez!"

Should-have-been reaction: "Good one, Ann. Lesbian quadriplegics. You should see if you can open for Dustin Diamond."

"You would think there were "Straights Only" water fountains the way Democrats carry on (as if any gay man would drink nonbottled water)." - Coulter, November 11th, 2003

Actual gay reaction (paraphrased): Ann Coulter, you are homophobic and offensive.

Should-have-been reaction: You again? Really?

"I think a baseball bat is the most effective way (to talk to liberals) these days." - Coulter, October 6th, 2004

Actual liberal reaction (paraphrased): Baseball bats! Ouch!

Should-have-been reaction: Stop. Enough. Just stop.

    The next time Coulter attempts to offend everyone, let's all step back, take a deep breath, and watch "(%$#!) My Dad Says" instead.

**Unverified