Tonight marks the debut of David Bowtie, a huge (YOOGE) fan of shatterfaced whose lifelong goal has been to write an article for the site. Indeed, this is like Terry Francona letting a cancer patient play center field for a day, except on a much, much larger scale.



             Blogs everywhere are buzzing about Kindle 3, the adventurous sequel to Kindle 2. In hopes that techies will swap their iPads for these fine machines, Amazon has made the new model smaller, lighter, and less expensive, although the physical act of reading still totally blows ass.

             Founder, president, and CEO of Amazon.com Jeff Bezos commented yesterday at a press conference, “For people who want to look pretentious and tech-savvy, look no further than Kindle 3. We put everything on there that those dickworms from Apple haven’t already thought of. Your move, faggots.”

             Matthew (not Matt) Cambridge of Penn State can’t wait to get his—he’s just not too thrilled about some of the new features. For Cambridge, who regularly carries Finnegan’s Wake around with him, the new Kindle will make it decidedly tougher to impress folks in public. “Sure it’ll be new,” he says, “but I really doubt a girl will crane her neck to see the screen and go, ‘Hey! Is that Catcher in the Rye?!’” Cambridge, however, preordered his months ago because the iPad “has just gotten so old, and I donno,” inhale on cigarette, “Apple is just so commercial,” exhale.

            And it’s true. For Amazon, who in 2009 earned over $25 billion in revenue and employs over 26,000 people, this is truly a David and Goliath fight—one that they’re sure to win. As long as there are insufferable D-bags like Matthew Cambridge in the world, who keep a copy of The Great Gatsby in their bathroom and are just bonkers about Stanley Kubrick’s films (the early stuff, the early stuff), Kindle 3 is sure to be a hit.