Goodbye Port-au-Prince, Hello Rose Bowl - by the Reverend Roy Pentecost
In his first piece for shatterfaced, ouramericangod.com's Reverend Roy Pentecost makes the case for the imprisoned American missionaries in Haiti.
PORT-AU-PRINCE(Reuters) - A Haitian judge made no decision at a hearing on Monday whether tofree or prosecute 10 U.S. missionaries accused of kidnapping children, andtheir leader said she trusted in God they would be cleared and released.
The missionaries, mostof whom belong to an Idaho-based Baptist church, were arrested last monthtrying to take 33 Haitian children across the border to the Dominican Republic17 days after a magnitude 7 earthquake that killed more than 200,000 people inthe impoverished Caribbean nation.
When I awoke the other morning and my valet Dan Dan handedme the latest SAVED TODAY! Newsletter(a collection of articles from the news pool not written by liberals,Hollywood-types or Presbyterians) I was so filled with the Lord to read this:
"I am trusting God to reveal all truth and that we will be released andexonerated of charges, and we are just waiting for the Haitian process, legalprocess, to complete," the group's leader, Laura Silsby, said afterMonday's hearing.
If you thought the DMV in your lower real estate communitieswas bad, you should get a load of the legal system in Haiti. But let me beat thejudicial system to the punch and reveal to you the truth. Our American God loves football and he will see these faithfulfollowers freed to carry out his divine plan.
When interrogated by Haitian authorities Ms. Silsbyresponded, "We simply wanted to help the children. We did not understandall your rules." Help the children to say the least! Sure - you might say,‘hey you stupid, stupid bitch you cannot go in to a country and abduct children,those are the rules EVERYWHERE.’ And you might say, ‘you fanatical whack jobscannot force-convert children in order to stroke your salvation hard-ons.’ Butyou say these things for two reasons: 1)you went to a leftist college, and 2) you’re going to Hell.
Hasn’t the Lord made it crystal clear? Don’t you know whoelse was force-fed Christianity by missionaries? Why only the first college football player toboth rushand pass for 20 touchdowns in a season. That’s right: Heisman trophy recipient and pro-hymen spokesperson Tim Tebow.
By following the footsteps of Bob and Pam Tebow we canpotentially raise 33 Haitian-American (citizenship-contingent on athletic abilityof course) All-American football players. When asked how he raised his childrenso well, Bob Tebow responded, "We are just ordinary people that trustGod." Amen Brother Bob! It’ll be easy, first thing we have to do is homeschool these children, preventing them from developing a social identity and allowingfor more time to practice. Second, we have to install in them a fear of God sostrong they await the lightning at the slightest human urging (cue the Chastityrings). Thirdly we withhold dinner and kill a small animal every time they failto complete a pass. Good-bye Port-au-Prince and hello Rose Bowl!
Sure you might say, ‘but wait a hoot Reverend Roy, some ofthese kids still have family on the island!’ and I’ll remind you that when theday of judgment comes I’ll be up in Heaven eating snacks with Christ and you’llbe busy being eaten alive by crowds of deviants in a pit of chlamydia and brokenglass. Why would you want these kids to stay in the third world when they couldbecome celebrity athletes? Not only could they fulfill the American dream ofbecoming professional millionaires, but they could also star in a Super Bowl adsupporting an evangelical Christian group that contends that ‘tolerance’ and ‘diversity’are buzzwords that support a ‘part of a hidden agenda to promotehomosexuality.’ I think the decision is pretty clear.
So I implore the Haitian authorities, all fourteen of you, tofree these missionaries. These people saw the devastation that happened to yourisland, the death and the destruction, and were they all grossed out?Nope! They got up, paused their live-TV,and decided to go down there to do what we evangelicals know how to do best: Offersuffering brown people water, so long as we can baptize them with it first.
God Bless Us All
Reverend Roy Pentecost
1st!
Also, if tebow decided to play for BC, you would be making a filipino foreskin collection as we speak. Some people want to help Haitians find new and better lives for both religious and secular reasons. Lets not paint their faith in the evil light here, lets leave that to the fact that not a soul down their knows where to take a propper dump, let alone how to properly rescue orphans. They tried to do a good thing, and they were tangled up while doing it (and recently acquitted). Funny article, nonetheless.
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Hi murphwindfire,
Thanks for reading.
As has been mentioned to you before via various internet communication devices, anything that is not "posted by The Fictional Ninja" or is explicitly posted by someone else other than "The Fictional Ninja" within the title of the piece means that the writer of the article is not the website administrator, whom you seem to believe has written here under a different alias than usual. As it happens, the writer of the piece not only has no affiliation with Boston College, but has spoken out against it as a means to bust the balls of the site administrator on multiple occasions. Thus, if Mr. Tebow attended BC, the Reverend Roy Pentecost's article would likely remain unchanged.
Thanks for the comment, regardless.
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