This morning, disgraced former ESPN baseball analyst and New York Mets General Manager Steve Phillips appeared on the Today Show to discuss with Matt Lauer his firing from ESPN - specifically his affair with a 22 year-old production assistant which resulted in the termination of his contract with the worldwide leader.

In watching excerpts from the interview this morning, what struck me most was the manner in which he was discussing his own personal character flaws - namely his alleged "sex addiction." He couldn't have been happier to talk about it.

That's right, Matt - I have a sex addiction. (nodding and grinning at the camera) Yeah. Addicted to sex. That's it. Receiving treatment and everything.

Seriously, the man was positively giddy. It was like he was being offered Rick Helling for the rights to Jose Reyes and David Wright. Couldn't have been more thrilled to talk about it.

In discussing the interview with Shatterfaced.com Associate Editor Tom-DPA, the notion and legitimacy of "sex addiction" was parsed. Tom's take is a common one - you aren't addicted to sex, you're merely an asshole. He even cited a 1997 Gallup poll which allegedly concluded that "98% of all men are addicted to boobies", Tom paraphrased. Noted. During our inevitable discussion of Tiger Woods's recent behavior, I defended the idea of "sex addiction", arguing that if you're worth nine figures and every female wishes to be your fornication partner, it isn't inconceivable that one might not want to stop having sex with everything. Tom maintained it was a bail-out card as opposed to being publicly labeled a dickhead. We're probably both right.

And hey, that might have been EXACTLY why Phillips in particular was indeed so giddy to tell the world he had a sex addiction - he's all of a sudden sympathetic instead of a cockbag, and he knew it. That's right, America - let me cry on your shoulder. My poor wife. What have I done. etc.

Here's the thing though - you are quite simply ineligible to claim a sex addiction if the partner in question looks like former Full House star Dave Coulier:

Phillips wasn't giddy because of the idea of increased public sympathy -- it was because now he had a diagnosable, physiological reason for maintaining an erection around Female Dave Coulier (above, left). He wasn't nodding and smiling at America - he was nodding and smiling at his friends. "Told you guys! Sex addiction, fuckfaces! What could I do?"

Think about it - how much sillier was Alanis Morrissette's "You Oughta Know" when it was gradually made aware that the song was about Dave Coulier? It went very quickly from...
                                                                                                                      (the Coulier Effect)
Hateful, Vengeance-Drenched Female-Empowering 90s Anthem ----------------------->*** A Song About Digging One's Nails into Dave Coulier's Back During Intercourse

Sorry, Steve - if poor Alanis suffered through the Coulier effect, then so must you. And even if the Coulier Effect didn't obviously apply to your situation, you still traded Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano. Nice one.


*** This line represents what Harvard scientists have deemed "The Coulier Effect"; it's also what is likely the actual girth of Dave Coulier's penis.