Fantasy sports are the surest way for any red-blooded American college males to stay in touch after graduation without appearing homosexual, so since the beginning of the internet age, its popularity has only increased with each year. As the number of fantasy sports leagues rise, the number of people in each league who actually know what they're talking about inevitably falls. As such, the dawn of the "fantasy sports expert" is born, otherwise known as "the career that causes the most dead hookers in the back of brand-new Porsche Boxster convertibles by the time said 'expert' is 45 years old."

Allow me to demonstrate with a chart.



No organization has capitalized on this upsurge of baseball stat geeks than espn.com, who has hired approximately 32832908322123094 otherwise nameless douche bags to indirectly impact the outcomes of fantasy sports leagues across the country. You can't particularly blame their thinking; each one of these aforementioned d-bags' "chats" on espn.com each week features no less than 25 versions of the exact same question:

Clueless, Impressionable Fucktard (Boise): HELLLPPPP!!! I've been offered Konerko for Hanley, Sabathia and Youkilis! FIFTEEN MINUTES!! DO I PULL THE TRIGGER!! PLEASE HELP!!

Now, mind you - "Pierre Becquey" and "Tristan H. Cockcroft" were once nameless statheads. Now, considering how much money is on the table for every fantasy sports league, the rankings of people across the United States who impact the most money every day, according to a recent shatterfaced.com study, are as follows:

1) Timothy Geithner
2) espn.com fantasy experts
3) General Motors

These people have become the town elders of every fantasy sports league in the universe now. Trades made between two otherwise knowledgeable gentlemen now are brought to the town elders for approval. "I like the trade, you like the trade, but let's take it to "Brendan Roberts", who has the tag "ESPN.com" next to his name and who I will never meet in my life, to see what he thinks."

Brendan Roberts: I wouldn't do that trade.

(Trade is now off.)

And that's the thing: the trade IS always off, because these people do not speculate. They are empirical, all-knowing soothsayers who see the universe six months ahead of time. They are right, you are wrong. Let me give you an actual example from a recent chat with someone named "AJ Mass":

HELP...OVER HERE!!!!!!!: Please help me Mr AJ, Inge or Wieters and V.Wells for Holliday. Yes or No?

 AJ Mass : No, especially in an AL-only league. Wouldn't be surprised to see Matt get traded back to the NL in a month or so.

Dude who wanted Wieters and Vernon Wells for Matt Holliday? Shit out of luck, buddy. Sorry - "AJ Mass" said so.

Their lack of reluctance in firing out their unequivocal opinion is hardly surprising, however - I can't imagine all this time having the shit ruthlessly beaten out of them for thirty years wouldn't lead to a life in which you are THRILLED to be looked at as omniscient.

Listen - I ask for advice from my friends for trades and pick-ups all the time. A second/third opinion is natural when making a significant move on your team. But who the fuck were these people three months ago? Now that they have the "sportsnation" logo preceding their name in bold, their stance on a given roster move is not to be questioned? Everything is agreed to with a trade, except 'Tristan H. Cockcroft' has reservations, and now it's off? Wonderful.

Annnnd scene.