An oft-repeated (by me) tale of my early childhood revolves around sitting two feet in front of the television and watching hours and hours of "Pay-per-view", regardless of what previews were being shown at the time. An unintended side-effect of this everyday event was my permanently memorizing a good number of trailers of (mostly) obscure movies shown in the late 80s and early 90s, an extremely-limited amount of which I've actually bothered to look up since.

             As such, I thought it might be fun to compare my thoughts of what each movie was about (based off of my memories as a four year-old) versus the film's actual plot summary and stars. I will then provide (God-willing) said movie's trailer off of youtube.

NOTE: Honest to God, I have not looked up these movies or seen each trailer since I watched them when dining on peanut-butter sandwiches and occasionally urinating in my pants.

RICOCHET

MY MEMORY: The trailer starts off with a deep voiced dude saying "Seven years ago..." and a bald man walks in the middle of the road and turns around to face the camera, menacingly. He looks old and pissed off. I'm already terrified. Quick cutting scenes. The bald man threatens a tall black man with a family. They don't seem to enjoy each other's company. Guns are fired. Yelling. This movie's rated R, obviously.

ACTUAL PLOT SUMMARY: In this action thriller, Denzel Washington plays Nick Styles, the assistant district attorney of L.A. The film opens in his early days asa cop on the L.A.P.D. During a carnival, master criminal Earl Talbot Blake (John Lithgow) creates a scene after a botched drug deal. Stylesand Blake confront each other, during which Blake is wounded by Styles and later sent to prison. Seven years later, Blake escapes from prisonduring a parole board hearing to carry out his revenge against Styles,and what follows is a violent series of events that destroys Styles'career. This sets the stage for one last bloody duel between Styles and Blake.

NOTES: The bald man is John Lithgow, who I suppose is scary to any four year-old, regardless of role. I think he was the bad guy in Cliffhanger as well. But the black dude was Denzel! Come on, five year-old (Bobby Teenager)! You have to get that shit! Incidentally, combining the two characters' names gives you the former administrator of this site. Indeed, Earl Talbot Styles will be missed.

TRAILER:   - unfortunately different from the one I watched 40+ times. Still hilarious, though.


DEF BY TEMPTATION

MY MEMORY: Very short trailer. The voiceover guy, who did the voice over for every pay-per-view, is especially menacing for this one, literally shouting "DEF BY TEMPTATION" at the beginning of the clip. Lots of slow-moving black people, which is not to say they are fat. They are all athletic and good-looking - just slow-moving. They are also all dressed like MC Hammer - extremely bright clothing. I don't know what sex is yet, but what these people are doing has to be something close to it. The woman in it is angry and scary. Maybe a vampire?

ACTUAL PLOT SUMMARY: An evil succubus is preying on libidinous black men in New York, andall that stands in her way is a minister-in-training, an aspiringactor, and a cop that specializes in cases involving the supernatural. Written, directed, and starring James Bond III.

NOTES: HAAAAAAAAAA. James Bond III! Dammit! I wish I had looked this up before I selected my pseudonym. Not that Bobby Teenager is bad, but I don't think there's much topping 'James Bond III'. Wow. If I had netflix (I'm looking at you, Tom-DPA) I'm all over this movie. After all, anything done by James Bond III has to be tremendous. And it also stars a young Samuel L. Jackson as "Minister Garth". I'm not kidding.

TRAILER: also not the trailer I saw 40+ times. But if you're going to watch only one link, I suggest it be this one. My goodness. (You'll also notice that the film directly next to 'Def by Temptation' at the very beginning is called "Killer Condom". What I would pay for that whole disk.)


THE BITCH

MY MEMORY: This is one that started out with "Just for adults, on Viewer's Choice." - one that I made sure no one was around when I was watching. A big-haired chick in an all pink room. She isn't wearing much. The voiceover guy is pretty funny for this one. Instead of being ultra intense (a-la 'Def by Temptation'), he intentionally lowers his voice and just says 'The Bitch' over and over again while this big-brown-haired chick just kind of dances. Just for adults, indeed.

ACTUAL PLOT SUMMARY: The owner of a trendy disco starts having problems with the men in herlife and the Mafia, which is trying to move in on her place.

NOTES: I'm not sure that the imdb-provided plot summary is revealing all that's necessary - unlike 'The Bitch' herself. The 'memorable quote' from the movie's front page, for example, is this:

[Paul tries to join Fontaine in the shower]
Fontaine Khaled (The Bitch) Paul, I don't have time for an encore!
Paul:Not even time to take a bow?
Fontaine Khaled:Well - maybe just a tiny curtsey!

Yep, I was five years old.

TRAILER: Nowhere to be found. Can't imagine why. I'm sure Col. Plug will find it in approximately 35 seconds, if asked.


BODY CHEMISTRY

MY MEMORY: The trailer for this was hilarious, because unlike 'The Bitch', the voiceover guy wasn't talking in a low, monotone voice - he was literally whispering. Bod-ee Chem-iss-tree. This didn't seem to hold many punches - I pretty much knew I was watching the trailer for a porno. "Honey, what are you watching?" "Eureka's Castle!" "Okay."

ACTUAL PLOT SUMMARY: A research project on sexual response leads two doctors into an affairwhere their deepest passions and darkest fantasies are revealed.

NOTES: So deep and dark that the voiceover guy has to whisper while he's talking about it. Why even bother coming up with the plot, if you're a writer? Would anyone have qualmed or been suprised if the plot summary was just "Two people fuck."?

TRAILER: Another one I couldn't find the actual trailer for, so here instead is a hilarious Spanish-channel promo for "Body Chemistry 3": HONG KONG '97

MY MEMORY: This is one that I saw so many times, I have the entire ad for it memorized. I think because it was only fifteen seconds long.

"Tomorrow, time runs out for Hong Kong. (Three trumpet sounds. Same note each time). 'The bank's looking for your head.' (British voice): 'Open season!' (Third voice): 'Get out of the house if you want to see tomorrow.' There's only one day left, and only one way out. Robert Patrick. Hong Kong '97". (repeat).

My girlfriend is so proud right now.

ACTUAL PLOT SUMMARY: On Hong Kong's last day of British rule a corporate assassin carriesout his orders to murder a corrupt general. Unbeknownst to him, hisbosses have set him up for a fall, and he must now band together withan unlikely corps of friends to survive.

NOTES: The actual plot summary seems irrelevant considering I probably recite the trailer out loud at least two or three times a year. This feels like a movie I might start excitedly watching, get more and more depressed with, and finally shut off around the seventeen minute mark.

TRAILER: No trailer, just a clip from the film just riddled with Asian stereotypes, and it ends with Robert Patrick shooting people and getting away on a speedboat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbK_T09RzaQ&feature=related

Well, there you have it. I knew these movies would come in handy for something. I should have just been like "Mom! I'm watching these so I can make fun of them in eighteen years for my non-blog that I maintain because I'm unemployed! Jesus! Get off of my back!"