With the amount of fan mail/hate mail that shatterfaced.com receives - about 1.3 million letters every seven minutes - the site was long overdue for a mailbag, where our writers respond to our readers' most pressing questions about the site, in addition to love, life, and happiness. Here are a few, with said writer's response.

                 Your weird obsession with me needs to stop. Hugh Jackman is definitively sexier than I am, Christian Bale never rocked an erection around me, and I don't know how a website can be the Steve Zahn of anything. You have caused unspeakable harm to my family, my friends, and my reputation. I bet, like, six people who visit your website regularly even know who I am, and probably only from 'Saving Silverman', easily the worst film I ever sold out to do. That was with Jason Biggs. Jason Biggs! Where the hell has he been? Why can't this site be 'The Jason Biggs of Post-College (non) blogs'? I know where you live. I know where you live, and I will torch your house. "Ohhh, I'm Bobby Teenager now, no one knows who I am, ohhh." Well I do. And I always will. Steve Zahn never forgets. I'm just saying, watch your back. Watch your fucking back. Bitch.
- Steve Zahn, Marshall, Minnesota

                BOBBY TEENAGER: Alright, Steve! Thanks for writing in! Huge fan. Enjoy the site.

               Why do you have no RedSox ads on the right side of the page anymore? I clicked it, like, 45 times a day for you. You should have thousands of dollars just from me alone. 
- approximately 75 people

                TEENAGER: Unfortunately, google sent me an angry (albeit generic) email about a month ago informing me of their cancellation of the ads on the site, due to "invalid clicking activity." It appears they figured out, after 1,000 clicks and no sales, that I was just basically telling people to allow me to steal money from google. Which, you know, I was. On a much, much smaller scale, it was pretty much like the SEC and Bernie Madoff. Google was like "What the fuck, you're stealing our money." And I shrugged, and said "Yeah, you bet." And it was over. You'll notice it is referenced by Ludacris in his remixed version of the song "Too many (n-words)", the basic jist of which is at the top of the page.

               Hey, what happened to that writer 'Edward Parade'? He was funny.
               -Frank Parsland, El Paso, Texas

               TEENAGER: Dead. Auto-erotic asphyxiation. Sorry.

               How dare you. My husband Nicholas is a wholesome family man who has donated much of his earnings from his novels to charity, who loves his children, who is a valued member of the PTA of his town, and who wouldn't hurt a fly. Your "Inside the Mind of Nicholas Sparks" article is absurd and out of line. You should be ashamed of yourself.
-Isabella Sparks, wife of Nicholas Sparks (12/10/2008)

                TEENAGER: Listen: your husband is either ravaged with the STDs of millions of adoring teenage girls, or thoroughly, flamingly, repulsed-by-vagina-Nathan-Lane gay. There's no middle ground. Check his sock drawers, or his closet, or his email.

                "I had been worried about my ability to maintain an erection, but when I saw him there on the bed, cheeks spread wide open with the center of his universe glowing like a hot browning star, I found myself so rock hard... I don't know; like an entire other erection was trying to burst out of my first." That's an excerpt from his own little 'notebook' that I found in his desk drawer. I should never have doubted you.
- Isabella Phillips, ex-wife of Nicholas Sparks (1/7/2009)

                TEENAGER: Just trying to help. Col Plug suggests that you might want to get an AIDS test. He would know.

                Hi, Bobby. Enjoy the site. This particular question is intended for the writer 'Col. Plug Redux.' Sir, while your articles are amusing, why the misogynistic tendencies? Shoving a wooden spoon... I mean, that's gross. I think we deserve an explanation.
- Ruth Bader-Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice, United States

                COL. PLUG REDUX: Dear Ruth - Glad to hear from you; I thought you were dead. I am puzzled by your characterization of my writing as misogynistic. Is it not a woman's right to choose what she inserts into her vagina? Maybe you would have been more comfortable if all of my scenarios included pregnant women, and the various household items I settled on were replaced by metal spikes designed to pierce the skulls of third-trimester babies. Keep up the good work; I would be extremely poor if your written opinions didn't allow me to continually bully women into aborting our bastard lovechildren.

                Dear Tom - DPA: As a fellow law-student, I just wanted to say that your articles pretty much keep me sane. It seems like every time I am presented with a new challenge - studying 36 hours straight, writing huge papers - you're always there with a hilarious article to buoy me right through the otherwise-tedious process. A heartfelt thank you.
-Peter Zimmerman, Casper, Wyoming

                 TOM - DPA: Alright Petey, let's clear up some misconceptions from the get-go: I don't like you, I don't like your stupid letter, and even though I haven't seen it, I'm sure I hate your stupid face. YOU are a law student; me, I'm a guy who goes to law school. Everything in those articles is written about YOU, not me. You study for 36 straight hours? Really? Haven't you heard of television? Or masturbation? You're probably the kid who raises his hand in constitutional law to argue with what a Justice said. News flash, asshole: No one cares. And if no one cares what the Justice had to say, why the fuck would we care what you had to say? And as for your praise - I'm what keeps you sane? That's like saying you look to Maxim articles for spiritual guidance. And you're from Wyoming? There's law school in Wyoming? I thought the only law there was guys with push broom moustaches and brutal horse rape. Here's some advice, son: Drop out of law school, go down to the local gun store and eat the business end of a shotgun.

P.S. - Stay tuned for more whacky law school adventures!

                Landon, it is totally not fair of you to put on the fucking internet what you think of me and my friends. You think you're the man? Well, you're not. Far from it. You suck, Landon Parker, and I hate you.
-Chrissy Konanski, BC '09

                LANDON 'THE LANDMAN' PARKER III: Um, first things first. Your tits suck. When I first met you, I thought I was getting a shot at a hot blonde with a fuckin rack that does not mess around. FALSE ALARM. Three pushup bras later, I found the secret you were hiding. You're probably gonna be embarrassed by the hordes of people that will read this and realize that you've got more "A's" than Doogie Howser. Whatever, I was drunk and you got a fat ass. But don't flatter yourself.
                Further proof that I just happen to be 'the man': I fucked you...while talking about how hot I thought your roommate was. Then I fucked your roommate two nights later, after lying about sleeping with you. 6-4-3 Double play baby. Ok, that was harsh. I'll admit, we did have a moment when I finger blasted you in the stands at the Notre Dame game, and I think there could have been something between us.
                Ok, I don't know. I mean...maybe the reason I kinda make fun of you and, I dunno, boast about my sexual conquerings is because I'm really insecure and feel the need to blanket my emotional deficiencies with exaggerated acts of machismo. I dunno, maybe I kinda like you and think your special and I wish, I dunno, that we could like get to know each other better. But maybe i'm like mad afraid and nervous and don't know how you would like, i dunno, ya know, respond to the "real" me.

LOL! FUCK NO. YOUUUUUUZ IS A HO. I SAID THAT YOUZ A HO! HOOO! Luda baby.

                Hey! That's not the real Samuel Adams!...is it?
                -Joanie Hussey, West Chester, Pennsylvania

                SAMUEL ADAMS: Best believe, biznitch.