Over the weekend, the major news networks began reporting on an unprecedentedly virulent strain of the H1N1 flu virus, termed “swine flu” due to the ease with which it is transmitted between ungulates of the family Suidae and pig-fucking actor Jamie Foxx.  After a recent trip to Juarez, Mexico, where he was researching a role as a self-involved, marginally talented actor trying to play a drug war gun runner, Foxxx contracted swine flu, likely from fucking a pig. While it is as yet unclear whether the pig was male or female, this distinction may be immaterial as swine flu seems to be passed through respiratory droplets traveling down the alimentary canal. This would indicate that transmission actually occurred during foreplay, which in turn indicates that Jamie Foxxxx is enough of a pig fucker to actually lightly kiss and caress the slop (read: shit) eating pot bellies before indiscriminately plugging their rear-placed orifices with his fingers, toes, chin, and of course, fat black cock.

                Upon finishing his research (read: pig fucking) trip, Foxxxxx returned to the states, appearing at a motivational (mostly to himself) speaking engagement at St. Francis Prep, a Catholic high school in Queens, NY, during which he smiled with his head half-cocked 32 times, and was generally viewed by the faculty as overly self-aggrandizing. However, these character faults could not at this point be attributed to Foxxxxxx’s overall lack of humility, as he was now fully under the control of the swine flu virus. It may be worthwhile to note that he considered 73 unique sexual scenarios with pigs of various breeds during his 45-minute speech, including plugging a Yorkshire’s snout in order to achieve a well-levered point at which he could hold the pig still as he thrust through that weird kindof see-through hair covering most pig’s bodies, right into those sweet farm-raised genitals.

                The rest is an issue of epidemiological history. While the faculty members of St. Francis Prep appear to be fine, 45 students, mostly girls who found themselves screaming or crying during his speech, are now dead. Like the Black Plague of the 1500's and the Spanish Flu epidemic of 1918, the utter lack of preparedness to deal with a zoonotic pandemic has on such a scale has led to consequences of drastic proportions. Despite the development of sanitary techniques and availability of antiviral drugs, the CDC now admits that it was not sufficiently equipped to deal with a virus which forced Americans to reconsider whether Jamie Foxxxxxxx was in fact talented, or just a mustached pig-fucker whose career should have died along with “In Living Color.”

This is due to the extremely unforeseen nature of the disease. During a two hour special on Anderson Cooper 360, CDC Director Richard S. Besser, MD, explained the rare mutagenic properties of H1N1: “While it was a rare strain of the virus that Foxxxxxxxx was initially exposed to, it was in fact a mutation to that strain which caused its rapid spread across the United States. When combined with Foxxxxxxxxx’s unadulterated ego, the disease became transmissible via any of the actor/singer/rapper/pig-fucker/comedian’s shitty contributions to American popular culture.” These rare properties, in combination with the release of “The Soloist” on April 24^th, created a pathogenic perfect storm, with the film’s $9,715,000 opening weekend leaving 101,251 dead in its wake.

What is currently puzzling health officials is how the virus seems to indiscriminately nature target its victims.  With far more Americans seeing “The Soloist” over the weekend than the current death toll, government agencies are scrambling to interview those that walked away from the experience showing no symptoms whatsoever. “While it is too early to say conclusively,” says Raynard S. Kington, M.D., Ph. D, and Director of the National Institutes of Health, “many of our surviving interviewees were more disturbed by Jamie Foxxxxxxxxxx’s overacting than the rapid asphyxiation and death of their fellow theatergoers. Also, those among the dead with IQ tests on record generally scored in the low 90’s or below. Despite the tragic nature of these events, we at the NIH are hopeful that we have unlocked the secret to combating this disease from the knowledge that borderline retards who actually enjoy that pig-fucker may be the most susceptible to it. This would also explain the virulence of the virus among impressionable teenagers, as opposed to the perception-challenged or racist elderly and still-intuitive young children. Again, while I do not want to downplay the graveness of the situation, it is interesting to consider the Darwinian sense of justice it has conferred upon us. I mean, I’m sure you’ve accidentally heard that fucking song ‘Blame it on the Alcohol’ sometime in the past few days - as have I. And we’re still here, aren’t we?”