Wassup homos – it’s the LandMan back in action.

After you read my first post about my mock draft, you probably started to assume that I was one those socially-awkward nerds like John Clayton who only follow sports cuz they could never hack it on the field. Well, you’re wrong – I was a sick-nasty QB in HS and I still rock the shit on our intramural team, the Pussy Pounders. You’re probably thinking “hey Landon if you’re good, why don’t you play on your college team?” Well, the answer is I could have, but I just didn’t want to put the time in, and jeopardize all my free time to get drunk and bang chicks. No way Jose.

If you aren’t from Boston or don’t go to school here, you should know one thing. Marathon Monday is FUCKIN SICK. I mean, like imagine something that’s really sick, and multiply it by 12. Then you have Marathon Monday.

And check this. Today, Marathon Monday falls on 4/20. And if you are gay and don’t smoke weed, you probably wouldn’t know that 4/20 is also FUCKIN SICK. So imagine something that’s fuckin sick getting drunk and banging something else that’s fuckin sick, and imagine the male counterpart of ‘fuckin sick’ wasn’t wearing a condom and he knocked up female ‘fuckin sick’ and they had a baby.

That baby would be raised by its parents and eventually become Marathon Monday on 4/20.

It’s about 8pm and our college campus is dying down, after a day of raging, macking on chicks, and just being the man. Since I woke up to my bro Brody pouring a Coors Lite down my throat at 8am, we decided to call it an early night and hit up Mr. Giggles to finish off this fucking ragefest.

So without further ado, I will give you a brief glimpse of how fuckin sweet today was and give you an all-access pass to a day with some of the sickest bros on campus.

8:00 AM – Brody punches me in the face, starts blasting Journey in my ears, and pours two luke warm Coors Lite cans down my throat. The LandMan is feeling good.

8:30 AM – Another brewski, a cold shower, a wardrobe change and a protein shake later, the LandMan is ready to hit the streets and let everybody know who’s fuckin boss. My boy, Cody, who’s kinda gay, tells me my pink pop-collared shirt looks ‘stupid’. I knee him in the balls and Brody comes over to give me an exploding pound. Sweeeeet.

9:00 AM – I got my flask of Jaeger and quarter bag of my finest sticky icky and we’re ready to head to Chrissy and Tif’s room. First rule about Marathon Monday. You have to put your game face on – if you can’t get laid on a college campus full of drunk girls, varying from tipsy to fucking hammered, you don’t deserve my time, the right to live, or even the privilege to read this. So like I said, game face. You gotta let the chicks know that you are ready for business.  Obviously, Brody and I have our game faces on. We walk in and there is a sea of hot chicks ready to get drunk. Chrissy and Tif already look ready to drop their panties.  I slap Chrissy on the ass and and whisper in her ear, “it’s gonna be a privilege drinking your beer.” The LandMan is in the zone.

10:30 AM – Beer bongs, flip cup, like 20 games of ruit and this party is off the heezy fo sheezy. Brody and I dominated at the table for so long that we pretended to lose so we could stop playing and spit some game.  Some of my bros roll through and we break out Mr. Giggles for the first time.  Cody obviously gets too high and passes out so we draw fat dicks on his face and shove our balls in his mouth. God, he’s so gay. The ultimate day of drinking finally bangs the ultimate day of smoking weed. The LandMan is in heaven.

12:00 PM – So I’ve locked in on Chrissy and she wants to like go see the runners pass by school and all that bullshit. I don’t really wanna go, since watching a bunch of Kenyans jog by our school seems pretty fuckin boring. But I man up and go since Chrissy is totally flirting with me and I’m thinking a blowjob outside the dorms lies in the horizon. The conversation went something like this.
    “Landy, I really want to see the runners go by. My friend is running! Please please come with?”
“Uh yeah, fine. Whatever. I mean…its just gonna be the two of us, so I’m down. Yeah, fuck  it. Let’s do this.” I then down my beer, throw my solo cup on the ground and give Cody a titty twister while he’s passed out. Sick.

1:00 PM – Still watching the runners and I’m fuckin bored. Chrissy is talking with some sluts and cheering as the runners go by. I take some swigs from my flask and text some of my bros. “This guy needs to inhale marijuana smoke. ASAP.” I like to keep my texts urgent and blunt – the LandMan needs to get high. Now.  I go up to Chrissy and I glide my arm down her back and squeeze her ass. She yells at me for being rude. I tell her she loves it. She says she really doesn’t. I remain convinced she wants me. I ask her if she wants to find a place to give me head. She slaps me in the face. I walk away and tell her she can finger her own fuckin twat.
I call Brody. “Yo. Let’s get fucked up like its our job.” The LandMan is back in action. Lol.

2:30 PM – Back in our room and its packed with random freshmen, dudes, and ugly chicks. Fuck. Whatevz. I tell Brody let’s just go hoggin’ – meaning get fuckin annihilated and hit on ugly chicks. Pussy is pussy bro…that’s a fact. So another go around with Mr. Giggles and some Natty Lites later and the LandMan is ready to fuck anything with tits and long hair. Out of the corner of my eye, I see some chick tugging her shirt down (which is wayyy too tight) and think that I have found my target. This chick is chubby and insecure. The LandMan eats those kind of chicks for breakfast. I walk up to her and hand her a beer. I ask her if she wants to get out of here. She says “isn’t this your place?” I say “Yeah, but its kind of hot in here.” She says thanks but no thanks. I say goodbye, tell her she’s a fat bitch and walk away. The LandMan is not in the zone anymore.

3:20 PM – Exactly one hour until the greatest moment of my life. When Marathon Monday banged 4/20 in a metaphorical world, I bet he came right at 4:20 PM. I bet it was fate. We head back to our room to prepare to get fucking blaaaaaazed. Cody tried to tell me that you get higher when you smoke at 4:20. I told him that he’s a fucking tool and that the only thing that gets you higher is smoking unhealthy, obscene amounts of marijuana. Which I do. Sick.

4:20 PM – The time has come to torch the righteous nug and get back in the zone. We bump some Jack Johnson and Citizen Cope to get in the mood, proceed to smoke some marijuana and take a walk outside. While we are outside, we ask everybody we pass by if they are stoned out of their skulls. If they aren’t, we laugh and call them gay under our breath. Don’t want to cause a scene. We make it back to to our room and bump some more jams and get naked. I’M ON A BOAT I’M ON A BOAT. EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME CAUSE I’M SAILING ON A BOAT!!!!! Haha my bad, we’re getting our smoke on and Brody typed that cause that song is fucking sick-nasty hilarious. FUCK TREES I CLIMB BOOEYS MUFUCKA. Dammit Brody, hahahaha that video is funny tho. Hahahahaha, T-Pain fucked a mermaid, that’s swwweeeeeeet. Why does he always wear that funny hat?  Shit I’m hungry. Think I should order Chineeeeeeessseeee FOOOOOOD. IT’S A BIG BLUE WATERY ROAD!!!!

5:45 PM – HOLY SHIT BRODY JUST STUFFED 45 CHEESE PUFFS IN HIS MOUTH AT ONCE. NO WAY!!!!  WHY IS CODY WEARING BUNNY EARS?????? WHERE THE FUCK DID WE GET AN EYE PATCH!!!! HOLLLLLLY SHIIIIIIT THE ROOOOOOM IS VIBRAAAAAAATING. I’M FUUUUUUUUUUUCKED UP. WHY DID I JUST EAT THAT WHOLE THING OF ALTOIDS? I SEE MANGOES!!! AND DOLPHINS! CHECK IT OUT NOW FUNK SOUL BROTHA!!!! OH MY GOD. I’M FUCKIN LOSING ITTTTTTT!!!

…..8:00 PM – Whoa. Fucking sick. HAHAHAHAHA, look at Cody….he’s gonna flip his shit when wakes up. Sweet.


Landon 'The LandMan' Parker III Archive: http://shatterfaced.com/categories/The%20LandMan.aspx