An Open Letter to the 'Tea Partiers' From Guest Writer Samuel Adams
Shatterfaced.com is proud to welcome guest writer Samuel Adams (1722-1803, 2009), who sought out shatterfaced without solicitation to address the recent national "tea parties" protesting president Barack Obama's tax plan.
16 April 2009
Dear Tea Partiers,
It was December 16th, 1773, and revolution was in the air. The tyrant King George III had imposed the Tea Act, which allowed the East India Company to export tea to the colonies without Britain's influence at all, while retaining what was called the "Townshend tax," which was a three pence tax on the tea that would in turn go directly into the pockets of British loyalists in the colonies. Needless to say, my buddies and I were fucking pissed, considering we weren't even represented in Parliament. We were essentially being bitched around more than Ben Franklin bitches around one of his "Bensluts" (the name we've given to them), and we knew at some point we were gonna have to murder these motherfuckers. But first, we dumped their tea into Boston harbor. It was actually pretty sick. We dressed up as Indians and shit. It was pimp.
Recently, I've heard this particular event (now cleverly known, at least on wikipedia, as the 'Boston Tea Party') referenced at sporadic meetings of heavy-set middle-aged white people who talk funny and seem to have a lexicon of 30ish words. Well, color me confused. Believe me, I am flattered that my name has been dropped on cable news more than Ben Franklin drops bows on bitches, but I just can't seem to discover any similarities between the two events. You see, we didn't have any representation in Parliament. None. England would not allow us to peacefully secede from them, but they also wouldn't give us any say as to how to run our neck of the woods. It seems like you guys just lost the election. More people wanted the other guy to run the country. The thing is, this is what my buddies and I fought for - elections. And if you lost? (Shrug.) Don't suck so much. The dark fellow in office currently raised the tax on the richest class in the country by 3% - 36 to 39%. Waaahhhhh. My friends were stabbed in the heart in front of their children. You want to compare notes?
In the last couple of days, I have heard talk from Texas (???) governor Rick Perry that they might secede from the union if these tax policies don't get better. Um, I'm sorry? Couple things: First - we did not murder redcoats so you guys could go and add Texas to the union in the first place. That's like including the autistic kid in the pick-up football game. God, LET them secede. What do they bring to the table? Toby Keith? Sweet contribution to life, Texas. Jesus. Seriously, that's my second point - call their bluff, Mr. Prez. When Governor Perry calls and says "We're out of here," just say "You won't." over and over again. And see what happens. You never know, sir. That's how I got my cousin John to run for President.
Usually, you guys are really cool to me. That beer you named after me is fucking delicious, made even more tasty by the fact that you didn't name it after Ben Franklin, who, if you haven't gathered by now, routinely beats the prostitutes he solicits when the night dawns. But please, from now on, don't associate me with this bullshit. If Megyn Kelly even mentions the Tea Party one more time, I'll tell Ben Franklin she works the corner on weeknights. And you don't want that shit.
Most Graciously,
Samuel Adams
16 April 2009
Dear Tea Partiers,
It was December 16th, 1773, and revolution was in the air. The tyrant King George III had imposed the Tea Act, which allowed the East India Company to export tea to the colonies without Britain's influence at all, while retaining what was called the "Townshend tax," which was a three pence tax on the tea that would in turn go directly into the pockets of British loyalists in the colonies. Needless to say, my buddies and I were fucking pissed, considering we weren't even represented in Parliament. We were essentially being bitched around more than Ben Franklin bitches around one of his "Bensluts" (the name we've given to them), and we knew at some point we were gonna have to murder these motherfuckers. But first, we dumped their tea into Boston harbor. It was actually pretty sick. We dressed up as Indians and shit. It was pimp.
Recently, I've heard this particular event (now cleverly known, at least on wikipedia, as the 'Boston Tea Party') referenced at sporadic meetings of heavy-set middle-aged white people who talk funny and seem to have a lexicon of 30ish words. Well, color me confused. Believe me, I am flattered that my name has been dropped on cable news more than Ben Franklin drops bows on bitches, but I just can't seem to discover any similarities between the two events. You see, we didn't have any representation in Parliament. None. England would not allow us to peacefully secede from them, but they also wouldn't give us any say as to how to run our neck of the woods. It seems like you guys just lost the election. More people wanted the other guy to run the country. The thing is, this is what my buddies and I fought for - elections. And if you lost? (Shrug.) Don't suck so much. The dark fellow in office currently raised the tax on the richest class in the country by 3% - 36 to 39%. Waaahhhhh. My friends were stabbed in the heart in front of their children. You want to compare notes?
In the last couple of days, I have heard talk from Texas (???) governor Rick Perry that they might secede from the union if these tax policies don't get better. Um, I'm sorry? Couple things: First - we did not murder redcoats so you guys could go and add Texas to the union in the first place. That's like including the autistic kid in the pick-up football game. God, LET them secede. What do they bring to the table? Toby Keith? Sweet contribution to life, Texas. Jesus. Seriously, that's my second point - call their bluff, Mr. Prez. When Governor Perry calls and says "We're out of here," just say "You won't." over and over again. And see what happens. You never know, sir. That's how I got my cousin John to run for President.
Usually, you guys are really cool to me. That beer you named after me is fucking delicious, made even more tasty by the fact that you didn't name it after Ben Franklin, who, if you haven't gathered by now, routinely beats the prostitutes he solicits when the night dawns. But please, from now on, don't associate me with this bullshit. If Megyn Kelly even mentions the Tea Party one more time, I'll tell Ben Franklin she works the corner on weeknights. And you don't want that shit.
Most Graciously,
Samuel Adams
I couldn't help but notice the hinted apathy for Texas in this article. Without Texas, who would BC football look up to? By the way, are you a democrat?
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Hi 'Johnson',
Thanks for reading my letter.
Your detective work is to be commended. What gave away the 'hinted apathy' for the state of Texas? Was it the three question marks after the first mention of the state? Was it analogizing it to an autistic child trying to play football? Was it grouping the most obnoxious country singer I could think of (Mr. Keith) in with the state even though, by all accounts, the man is from Oklahoma? Excellent work. I smell a new adventure - "Encyclopedia Johnson and the Case of the Man Who Helped Found the Country Being Totally Pissed Off About the Inclusion of Texas in His Masterpiece".
Boston College was incorporated 60 years after I expired - the sport of American football almost 100 years, so I really have no opinion on your second point. My cousin John is a diehard Pats fan, however, and he is currently sitting right next to me. He just keeps saying "Matt Ryan. Vince Young. Matt Ryan. Vince Young." over and over again. I don't know what that means, so take that for what you will.
Again, I died in 1802 - political parties at the time of my death were just starting out. My friend George didn't have one, and I was pretty senile by the time John was Prez. So I really have no opinion on 'political parties', per se. The point of my piece was to make separate something as pimp as the Boston Tea Party with something as universally lame (except to the 300,000 'tea partiers' - meaning, 1/10th of 1% of the country, and not all Republicans, as your comment - and your wall post on my good pal Nick Blake's facebook page - seems to imply) as the 'tax day tea parties', which were universally dubious in the eyes of anyone who was awake during the George W. Bush era (read: not Fox News). I.E. - protesting three months of 'wasteful spending' after eight years of wasteful spending (you'll notice the lack of quotation marks - that national debt tracker in New York City seemed to get a wee bit larger since 2000) by a man, yes, from Chernob...er, Texas.
Thanks for your time, shatterfaced.com reader. Your viewership is appreciated.
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Yeah, well you like men.
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http://www.pacdudegames.com/fail/
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Sounds like MSNBC's ratings! ZING!
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Who the fuck is this clown Nick?
Cause Nick Blake is the ultimate defender of MSNBC.
Nick might be too nice to tell you to eat a bowl a dicks but I’m not. See what you just did there is called flawed logic. You took something that is commonly associated with people of one political belief and assumed that all people of said political belief love and hinge on it. Ergo as it fails, so does said political belief.
But if you want to take numbers let’s talk numbers. Maybe if those million or so people who watch FNC over MSNBC had taken the time to vote instead of listening to the deranged psychotic fears of a news network owned by a fucking Australian of all people, John McCain would have…oh wait nope he lost by more than a million. Like a lot more. Like 10 times more.
Perhaps instead of trying to understand what you're talking about, you should just shove your head up your ass and blindly march on - though, admittedly, it will be hard to sit on that dying pachyderm your party so proudly flaunts in to our future where we can no longer afford things like socialist medicare.
The following opinion was not endorsed by Shatterfaced; I just said it, asshole.
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You guys are totally gay. All you do is argue.
That's why I smoke bowls, bang bitches, and drop bombs and you gays argue over MSNBC and Sam Adams.
MSNBC should stand for: Most Sluts Never Bypass (my) Cock.
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The Landman has a good point. By the way Landon last night after you left Chrissy's room to go smoke with Trent and Dallas I totally sneaked into her room and pretended to be you. She was so drunk she didn't even notice it was was the fucking tits bro, LITERALLY. We should Eifel Tower that shit ASAP! SICK!
We still on for stretching out our lax pocket's and drinking snapple later? Hit me up on my celly, I got dank nugs from Carter's boy!
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Tom,
Your response is highly valued, and your bravery proves that you are unquestionably the king of all online debate. Chances are, we have met before or will meet soon. I hope we can debate our contrasting views in the near future, but it is hard for me to travel since my head is placed snuggly in my rectum, and my only mode of transportation is an Elephant (African, in case you were wondering). I have scheduled surgery to remove my cranium by means of the well-functioning socialist healthcare system of Great Britain, provided by it's 100% content tax payers. With any luck, I will be able to see a community-college educated physican within 3.5 years, from which point we may debate whose views are more absolute in unquestionable truth: Yours, Bill Maher's, or Seth MacFarland. Good day to you, and God bless... er, uh, my apologies... just "bless."
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Well from the fact that you just made the same fucking logic flaw again it seems like you did go to a community college.
See I'll lay it out real slow for you; sorry I can't be there to use flash cards and reward you with snacks when you get things correct.
I, never once affiliated myself with a party or a political stance.
You did identify yourself with your sarcastic opinion regarding Nick's politics.
Therefore, I can make inferences based solely on your party position, such as my comment regarding riding a large mammal.
You, immediately assume that I like Bill Maher and Seth MacFarlanE (at least spell it right jackass), that I am Godless, and that I love British style socialist medicine.
Well for your information I think Bill Maher is obnoxious and Family Guy hasn't been funny in 5 years; went to 16 years of Catholic school, and think socialized medicine is a horrible idea. (Though while we we're on the subject; the rabies shot my friend received within 15 minutes after getting bit by a dog while we were in Germany was free and was delivered without filling in any excessive paperwork.)
You see your fail there? I didn't say that you believe that socialist actors in Hollywood were working as hard as possible to rob your trust fund and redistribute it to the shiftless layabout drug attics who are pregnant with gay babies who will never work a day in their life. I didn't because you didn't say anything that initially would lead me to think those are your beliefs (Though guessing from your retort maybe I should have).
So, a little refresher, when you attack people you probably shouldn't use inferences based on shit you know nothing about.
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Whatever, queer.
- "Big" Johnson
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