Songs NOT to Lose Your Virginity To - by The Humanoid
NOTE: Shatterfaced's prestigious 9th author, the muh fuh-in Humanoid
Everyone has that special song that represents the first time they became a man, had their cherry popped, prematurely ejaculated (in my case), had their V-card swiped - whatever you want to call it. I think it's safe to say that the majority of mainstream music is appropriate for said occasion, as songs often concern love, sex, women, etc. There are a few major exceptions, however.
Songs NOT to Lose Your Virginity To
Werewolf Bar Mitzvah! by Tracy Morgan
- Kooky! Hairy!
This song. Even if he DID touch you deep inside.
Or this one. Just because. Seriously. What the fuck. Unless, of course, you can move your body like the backup singer. Then it doesn't matter what song you're banging to - multiple, cascading orgasms will result, 100 times out of 100.
Mr. Roboto by Styx
-He has a secret...he's been hiding...
AND: the absolute WORST song to ever lose your virginity to........
drumroll....
She Blinded Me With Science by Thomas Dolby
-Nuff said.
Everyone has that special song that represents the first time they became a man, had their cherry popped, prematurely ejaculated (in my case), had their V-card swiped - whatever you want to call it. I think it's safe to say that the majority of mainstream music is appropriate for said occasion, as songs often concern love, sex, women, etc. There are a few major exceptions, however.
Songs NOT to Lose Your Virginity To
Macarena by Los Del Rio
-Because if you're doing what every 12 year old in 1995 was doing, you're certainly not losing your virginity. At least outside of West Virginia.
-Because if you're doing what every 12 year old in 1995 was doing, you're certainly not losing your virginity. At least outside of West Virginia.
We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off (To Have a Good Time) by Jermaine Stewart
- Although this could possibly be the ONLY song to fornicate to, if
you happen to be a member of that crazy religious sect where you have sex through
a sheet.
Mr. Jones by Counting Crows
-This song is actually about two guys lusting after a flamenco dancer. But if it came on during sex, I really don't think I'd be able to shake the image of lead singer Adam Duritz and his palm tree head. Unless I was this guy. In which case I would promptly swallow a veritable boatload of prescription-grade sleeping pills.
Love Hurts by Nazareth
-Uhhh...if it hurts, or scars, or wounds, you prrrrrobably should have used a rubber.
-This song is actually about two guys lusting after a flamenco dancer. But if it came on during sex, I really don't think I'd be able to shake the image of lead singer Adam Duritz and his palm tree head. Unless I was this guy. In which case I would promptly swallow a veritable boatload of prescription-grade sleeping pills.
Love Hurts by Nazareth
-Uhhh...if it hurts, or scars, or wounds, you prrrrrobably should have used a rubber.
Baby Beluga by Raffi
EDITOR'S NOTE: I used to think the words to this song were "Bite my Beluga in the deep blue sea..." An unfortunate missed chance to start the trend of referring to the male reproductive organ as the "Beluga." All you men that been to jail before? Suck my beluga (WOOOO)
EDITOR'S NOTE: I used to think the words to this song were "Bite my Beluga in the deep blue sea..." An unfortunate missed chance to start the trend of referring to the male reproductive organ as the "Beluga." All you men that been to jail before? Suck my beluga (WOOOO)
Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen
- Unless, y'know, you're into that kinda thing.
Every Breath You Take by The Police
- Rape doesn't really count as a first time, jackass
Werewolf Bar Mitzvah! by Tracy Morgan
- Kooky! Hairy!
This song. Even if he DID touch you deep inside.
Or this one. Just because. Seriously. What the fuck. Unless, of course, you can move your body like the backup singer. Then it doesn't matter what song you're banging to - multiple, cascading orgasms will result, 100 times out of 100.
Mr. Roboto by Styx
-He has a secret...he's been hiding...
drumroll....
She Blinded Me With Science by Thomas Dolby
-Nuff said.
HEAVILY disagree with Fat Bottomed Girls.
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Yeah I'm with Tom- my dick gets rocked when Freddy Mercury drops the "Get on your bikes and ride!"
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