EDITOR'S NOTE: Shatterfaced's eighth author, Ed the Psychic

Author’s Note:

    This is my first Shatterfaced entry, so I am willing to entertain any initial skepticism about my online pen name.  That being said, all I can ask in return is an open mind to the concept that I may indeed be able to see and predict future events; after all, I did foresee that this website would be a successful outlet for clever d-bags and overly cynical sociopaths to vent their frustrations with the likes of Sean Hannity and the History Channel, and that was pretty accurate, wasn’t it?**

    These things I have seen and I know to be true. Over the course of the next few months, a series of events are to transpire that will change the way we view music, and Chris Brown’s masculinity, forever.

Prophecy I:

Chris Brown and Rihanna will end their highly publicized feud and reconcile their differences. This will be quickly followed by a slew of media slander claiming that the only reason the two are reunited is Rihanna’s apparent pregnancy. Soon after, Rihanna will be hospitalized again, claiming a nasty spill down the stairs is responsible for her peculiarly familiar condition. The week after, Chris Brown will release his newest teen-booty-shaking, high school dance smash hit: “Why Won’t You Miscarry”.

Prophecy II:

Powdered refreshment giant Kool-Aid’s waning sales and subsequent loss of Hipness [1] will prompt the beverage’s longtime spokesperson and anatomical mind-fuck The Kool-Aid Man to look to the music world for a fresh new angle with which to expose his likeness and exploit children under 12, in addition to black people everywhere. Kool-Aid’s first single will be a modern re-invention of Yello’s 1986 electronica mega hit “Oh Yeah.” Don’t remember it? Au contrare: It’s the main theme from the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. [2] The single will go triple platinum in four countries [3] and Kool-Aid will finally be back on top. [4]

Prophecy III:

Riding the coattails of Apple’s monumentally successful iPod Touch; Steve Jobs will unleash upon the world his newest and most useless redefinition of the portable juke box, the iPod Smell. Upon its release, sales of deodorants, body wash, and cologne will skyrocket. This spike in aromatic interest will be attributed primarily to the fact that Fall Out Boy’s music smells strongly of moose fart, dead akita, and sweaty teenage angst. [5] The spike in deodorant sales will incite a stock market boom and stimulate the American economy like a detachable showerhead to a curious young teenage girl. [6] Our economy will once again thrive and our country will be saved. Even if the air does constantly smell like a Maroon 5 song in the future, [7] it’s a small price to pay for economic survival. 

[1] Mediocre-Aid
[2] doo, doo, doo, doot. doot. Chic’ah Chic’ah
[3] The Timbaland re-mix will be responsible for numerous unplanned pregnancies.
[4] Shortly after, Kool-Aid will die tragically after being bum rushed and drank by a hoard of dehydrated concert goers… OH NO!
[5] Lil’ Wayne’s music smells like cocaine. The iPod Smell is going to be EXPENSIVEEEEEEE.
[6] This iPod’s got The Magic Touch.
[7] Maroon 5 smells like vagina. Big surprise.

**EDITOR'S ASTERISK: Or, Ron Borges, you read the FAQ.