Who's Better at Telling Us We're All Going to Die: the History Channel or Fox News? An In-Depth Analysis
Two popular stations, both dedicated to reporting our eventual gruesome demise. But this (non) blog isn't big enough for both of them. So who is, exactly, better at revealing to us the various ways we will all perish: the History Channel, or Fox News?
Let the steel cage death(for all)-match begin.
THE HISTORY CHANNEL
Don't be fooled by its title - the History Channel rarely covers actual history. Mostly, its programming is dedicated to how something will kill us all in three years - an asteroid, nukes, aliens, programming involving Bret Michaels, whathaveyou.
According to my digital cable, this was the History Channel's line-up from 8:00 on Saturday evening, January 10th, to 11:00 on Sunday evening, January 11th:
8:00: Seven Signs of the Apocalypse
10:00: First Apocalypse
12:00: Seven Signs of the Apocalypse
2:00: First Apocalypse
4-6:00: Paid programming, inevitably featuring the guy who advertises the "Shamwow" talking about the coming apocalypse.
9:00: Bible Code: Armageddon (festive for Sunday morning!)
10:00: Earth's Black Hole
11:00: Black Blizzard
1:00: Last Days on Earth
3:00: Seven Signs of the Apocalypse
5:00: Nostradamus 2012
7:00: Siberian Apocalypse
9:00: Next Nostradamus
11:00: Tsunami 2004: Waves of Death (actual history! about people dying.)
The info for "Last Days on Earth" was particularly revealing: "Examining seven ways in which the Earth could be destroyed, including a black hole; the eruption of a supervolcano; an asteroid strike; and (not joking) obliteration by superintelligent computers."
My parenthetical, but it could have just as well have been the digital cable's. Was the last segment narrated by James Cameron and featuring dramatizations from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Edward Furlong? Only those who tuned in know.
FOX NEWS
Delivering news of your demise in more subtle ways, Fox News recently introduced their HD channel, which adds three more inevitably-awful news stories to your television screen! So while you listen to Sean Hannity look directly at you and imply that the foreigner who was just illegally elected to the Presidency is a secret member of Al-Qaeda whose rhetoric matches that of the antichrist told of in the Bible (and on the History Channel), three more stories on the right side of the screen remind you that some woman just drowned her children in Texas, the economy continues to eat shit, and more people are exploding in Gaza. A minute of watching Fox News in HD makes watching Schindler's List look like an episode of The Price is Right.
After the Obama election, Fox News released this "please-be-terrified" promo:
Let the steel cage death(for all)-match begin.
THE HISTORY CHANNEL
Don't be fooled by its title - the History Channel rarely covers actual history. Mostly, its programming is dedicated to how something will kill us all in three years - an asteroid, nukes, aliens, programming involving Bret Michaels, whathaveyou.
According to my digital cable, this was the History Channel's line-up from 8:00 on Saturday evening, January 10th, to 11:00 on Sunday evening, January 11th:
8:00: Seven Signs of the Apocalypse
10:00: First Apocalypse
12:00: Seven Signs of the Apocalypse
2:00: First Apocalypse
4-6:00: Paid programming, inevitably featuring the guy who advertises the "Shamwow" talking about the coming apocalypse.
9:00: Bible Code: Armageddon (festive for Sunday morning!)
10:00: Earth's Black Hole
11:00: Black Blizzard
1:00: Last Days on Earth
3:00: Seven Signs of the Apocalypse
5:00: Nostradamus 2012
7:00: Siberian Apocalypse
9:00: Next Nostradamus
11:00: Tsunami 2004: Waves of Death (actual history! about people dying.)
The info for "Last Days on Earth" was particularly revealing: "Examining seven ways in which the Earth could be destroyed, including a black hole; the eruption of a supervolcano; an asteroid strike; and (not joking) obliteration by superintelligent computers."
My parenthetical, but it could have just as well have been the digital cable's. Was the last segment narrated by James Cameron and featuring dramatizations from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Edward Furlong? Only those who tuned in know.
FOX NEWS
Delivering news of your demise in more subtle ways, Fox News recently introduced their HD channel, which adds three more inevitably-awful news stories to your television screen! So while you listen to Sean Hannity look directly at you and imply that the foreigner who was just illegally elected to the Presidency is a secret member of Al-Qaeda whose rhetoric matches that of the antichrist told of in the Bible (and on the History Channel), three more stories on the right side of the screen remind you that some woman just drowned her children in Texas, the economy continues to eat shit, and more people are exploding in Gaza. A minute of watching Fox News in HD makes watching Schindler's List look like an episode of The Price is Right.
After the Obama election, Fox News released this "please-be-terrified" promo:
We're all going to die!
Flag burnings, riots, minorities running the country, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in one 30-second ad? Shit, better tune in to Bill O'Reilly at 8. He'll protect me "when my world changes". It's difficult to say whose face looks more grim in the countdown (to destruction) at the end of the commercial. I mean, it's obviously Brit Hume, but that's his normal facial expression ever since he got plastic surgery in his twenties to look like Sam the Eagle.
THE WINNER
The History Channel gets some good shots in, and knocks out the referee in order to illegally bash Fox News with some steel chairs while the ref is unconscious. Fox is revived by the (mostly Southern) crowd, however, and limps to victory after a devastating Doocy Drop knocks the History Channel out cold.
The History Channel may rub it in our faces, but nothing can get us calling the police on the illegals who just moved in next door more than Fox News.
Flag burnings, riots, minorities running the country, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in one 30-second ad? Shit, better tune in to Bill O'Reilly at 8. He'll protect me "when my world changes". It's difficult to say whose face looks more grim in the countdown (to destruction) at the end of the commercial. I mean, it's obviously Brit Hume, but that's his normal facial expression ever since he got plastic surgery in his twenties to look like Sam the Eagle.
THE WINNER
The History Channel gets some good shots in, and knocks out the referee in order to illegally bash Fox News with some steel chairs while the ref is unconscious. Fox is revived by the (mostly Southern) crowd, however, and limps to victory after a devastating Doocy Drop knocks the History Channel out cold.
The History Channel may rub it in our faces, but nothing can get us calling the police on the illegals who just moved in next door more than Fox News.
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