NOTE: The only thing I know about Nickelback, other than, of course, their shitty music, is that the lead singer of the band is named "Chad". As such, the rest of the band will be also be given "bro" names without proper fact-checking.


Chad: Alright, so I think we are in need of a bit of an image change, especially since our highest-viewed Youtube video is of us getting pelted with rocks in Europe,

Topher (drums): Yeah. Way to accentuate the terrible situation by asking if there were any Nickelback fans in the crowd, by the way. That wasn't even embarrassing. I haven't heard silence that defeaning since I told people I was gonna go by "Topher" and not "Chris".

Brody (bass): Nobody moves when you ask that question. It's like it's on cue.

Lance (guitar): It's one thing that nobody moves; it's quite another when you ask "Are you sure?" as if the whole place was going to collectively reconsider their decision from five seconds prior. As if they were going to say, "On second thought, fuck yeah! We all love Nickelback! I really DON'T want to throw batteries at your faces. I'd rather use them for my CD players so they can play more Nickelback for me."

Chad: Ok, I understand. Point tak--

Brody: As long as we're getting stuff off our chest, the song 'Photograph'?
Chad: Yeah?

Brody: Totally blows. The lyrics sound like it was written by somebody signing a yearbook in 7th grade. "And what the hell is on Joey's head?" Are you kidding me? I was embarrassed to play that for my mom. And I was right, because she told me it sucks.

Lance: Yeah, I even thought that song was overplayed. I would have rather heard OMC's "How Bizarre" one more time instead of that piece of dogshit.

Chad: Alright, I got it. But listen--

Topher: Like I think we're the most obnoxious semi-popular band right now, and I am IN THE BAND.

Chad (screaming over everybody): I WROTE A SONG ABOUT US JUST GETTING A BUNCH OF BLOWJOBS ALL THE TIME.

(silence)

Brody: Really?

Chad: Yeah, I did. It's just about us getting blowjobs.Lance: Hmm.

Chad: Yeah. Over and over again.

(more silence)

Topher: You don't think it might come off as a little transparent? Like people are gonna be like, "I can totally see Nickelback getting blowjobs all the time, so this song is more than legitimate."

Chad: No, it's totally gonna work. We're gonna be badasses again, fellas!

Brody: Yeah!

Lance: Yeah! Alright! Blowjobs!