This is the latest commercial from "Enzyte", the product which uses an overly happy middle-aged man named "Bob" to advertise its "natural male enhancement" pill. While the commercials are generally watching-sex-scenes-with-parents-uncomfortable during all seasons, Enzyte has outdone itself this December, capitalizing on the natural joy and good cheer of the Christmas season to classily put Bob in a Santa outfit as his conspicuously-horny female elves whisper amongst themselves, apparently hoping that the innocent lap-sitting session quickly turns into "Merry Fistmas 8" because of Bob's new-found pill-induced prowess.

The commercial is (thankfully) only a minute long, but it IS (thankfully) long enough for a running analysis.

0:03: A blonde elf holds a sign to the camera that says "North Pole". That is where Santa lives. Nothing else.

0:05: Narrator: "Seems to be a lot of rumors going around about this chubby Santa." Santa IS chubby. Nothing else.

0:11: Bob (as Santa) sits in his chair, with only the word "Pole" making it to the camera from the sign next to him. Hmm - maybe the conspicuously-horny female elves DID have reason to believe this would turn into "Merry Fistmas 8"? And does the age when one acknowledges that Santa doesn't exist ever cross paths with the age that one realizes he might be inadvertently involved in the beginning of a porno? Col. Plug watched porn when he was ten, but also tried to convince me there was no Santa when we were like seven, so he doesn't work. But I bet there are examples. "Mom, can we get out of here? I think we're in the middle of a shooting of 'The Little Bummer Toy', not in line to see Santa Claus."

0:14: The creepiest part in an extremely creepy commercial occurs at the 14 second mark. Here, we see one attractive female elf whisper to another, who promptly smiles out of the corner of her mouth while staring at Santa (Bob). One wonders what was said between the two, but it had to have been something different than "The guy who is playing Santa Claus is named Bob, and he takes Enzyte, so his schlong is massive. His wife is over there, though. And he's dressed as Santa Claus, which couldn't possibly be a turn-on to you, right? Um, right? Janeane?"*

0:22: All of the female employees for this lap-sitting session are now in line themselves, cutting children who innocently wished to tell Santa their Christmas wishes in the process. Bob smiles, as he'd rather show off his New Found Glory** to middle-aged women than little children - although, needless to say, nobody would be surprised if this was reversed.


The rest of the commercial (lazily) involves Bob hitting long off a tee (he has a big penis now, everybody) and driving fast in a racecar (not sure I understand this one. I think we all know that NASCAR drivers sport notoriously tiny reproductive organs.)

There is one part at the end, however, in which the narrator limits the sale of Enzyte to one member per household - so sorry, Joe and Nick Jonas, you're out of luck.


*She looks like a "Janeane"
**Any and all emo bands in any Shatterfaced article will only be mentioned in the midst of a joke about child molestation. Company policy.