Missy Elliot's Presumptions
Missy Elliott's 2001 hit One Minute Man came out when I was 15, so I couldn't possibly appreciate how truly astonishing this song is, and not in a good way. But also, not in a bad way. It's just astonishing. The song, if you aren't familiar, details Ms. Elliott's dis-satisfactions with those particular males who are (or have been) unable to satisy her carnal desires during the nighttime. This particular qualm seems extremely dubious, in my eyes.
There's no denying Ms. Elliott's talents. She has sang and produced multiple top-40 hits, and she was a good part of our lives for a five-year stretch, whether we wanted her to be or not. Ms. Elliott is also undeniably chunky. She's not overweight, per se, but she's a large woman. She's fat. She enjoys her food. A bunch. Which, by the way, is fine. Most food IS delicious.
What isn't fine - or, I suppose, what isn't "appropriate" - is Ms. Elliot publicly expressing her consternation for those who can't please her sexually. You see, this is where the cliche "beggars can't be choosers" derives from. The song's chorus goes as follows:
"Break me off. Show me what you got. 'Cuz I don't want no one minute man. (OOO). Break me off. Show me what you got. 'Cuz I don't want no one minute man. (OOO)."
Missy Elliott saying this to someone she just had sex with would be like a homeless man you've just treated to Thanksgiving dinner commenting, "The turkey was ok, but I could have used some cranberry sauce as a buffer. And stuffing is always better if cooked inside the turkey. It was ok, it just could have been a little better. Oh, and I hate pumpkin bread."
I can't imagine that those who had had carnal relations with Ms. Elliott in the past weren't displeased with this song's seeming omniscience. I'm sure more than one of them said to himself, "well, goodness, Ms. Elliott - I had to down a bottle and a half of Cialis to make this happen, and you're pissed about not getting the second Ronco Showtime Rotisserie absolutely free?"
Ms Elliott did shed a few pounds over the course of her career, and she deserves credit for this, with a grain of salt. Remember, if John Candy had lost Rick Moranis, he'd still be John Goodman. And John Goodman hasn't written any songs about how Roseanne Barr was miscast.
There's no denying Ms. Elliott's talents. She has sang and produced multiple top-40 hits, and she was a good part of our lives for a five-year stretch, whether we wanted her to be or not. Ms. Elliott is also undeniably chunky. She's not overweight, per se, but she's a large woman. She's fat. She enjoys her food. A bunch. Which, by the way, is fine. Most food IS delicious.
What isn't fine - or, I suppose, what isn't "appropriate" - is Ms. Elliot publicly expressing her consternation for those who can't please her sexually. You see, this is where the cliche "beggars can't be choosers" derives from. The song's chorus goes as follows:
"Break me off. Show me what you got. 'Cuz I don't want no one minute man. (OOO). Break me off. Show me what you got. 'Cuz I don't want no one minute man. (OOO)."
Missy Elliott saying this to someone she just had sex with would be like a homeless man you've just treated to Thanksgiving dinner commenting, "The turkey was ok, but I could have used some cranberry sauce as a buffer. And stuffing is always better if cooked inside the turkey. It was ok, it just could have been a little better. Oh, and I hate pumpkin bread."
I can't imagine that those who had had carnal relations with Ms. Elliott in the past weren't displeased with this song's seeming omniscience. I'm sure more than one of them said to himself, "well, goodness, Ms. Elliott - I had to down a bottle and a half of Cialis to make this happen, and you're pissed about not getting the second Ronco Showtime Rotisserie absolutely free?"
Ms Elliott did shed a few pounds over the course of her career, and she deserves credit for this, with a grain of salt. Remember, if John Candy had lost Rick Moranis, he'd still be John Goodman. And John Goodman hasn't written any songs about how Roseanne Barr was miscast.
Best use of "carnal relations" I've seen today. Probably the most accurate way to describe sex with Misdemeanor.
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Frankly I don't even think this song is Missy's worst imposition. The song "Work it" is far more demanding and outrageous.
"Is it worth it?" I don't know Missy, are we going pound for pound here cause I think you win.
"Let me work it." Woooo, two seconds ago you were asking me if it was worth it, are we foregoing your preconditions? If we're making that large of a jump I would hope my good looks and personality alone would have initially, at minimum, overcome any misgivings you had about what's going on down below.
"If you got a big (elephant noise or other sound implying she's talking about the male genitalia,) let me search it." Missy's gone from an already offensive question regarding the size of my junk to wanting to do a full on cavity search of the thing. Not to mention what a bizarre request; you want to search it? Have you never seen one before? Are we at some sort of hands on children's science museum? I think it's safe to say that none of us have probably ever received a sexual offer of having a female do a probative exploration of our shwanzezs (barring checking for sores). I mean I get the implication, but I think a better word then search could have been used (I would have even allowed for her going off the rhyme scheme and saying admire or why not go for the "jerk it" here, you've already got the elephant noise just saying)
Not to mention her horrendous suggestion that we eat "it" like "a vulture" which is hands down the worst image of cunnilingus I have ever heard.
Analysis of this song, much like "One Minute Man, once again leads us to the question of Missy's absurdly high standards. Combining the two songs it appears that Ms. Elliott is looking for nothing short of Peter North. Shameful.
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