5th Grade Great Works Submissions
The following is a mini-essay I wrote in fifth grade for my submission to Great Works, which was Wampatuck Elementary School’s publishing of cute-but-ultimately-shitty mini-essays from their students. Since fifth grade graduation, I’ve lobbied hard for the publication’s name to be changed to Inevitably Embarrassing Works, but I’ve yet to receive feedback. I’ve added footnotes for the reader to follow along from a modern perspective. (Try to) enjoy:
Detective? President?[1]
Of the many goals I have set for myself, there are a couple that may be of interest to you.[2] One goal I have for the future is to get a job as a detective[3] after I graduate from a college such as Boston College.[4] Being a detective is the kind of job that has interested me for many months because of its excitement.[5]
Another one of my goals is to become President of the United States,[6] or do some job that has to do with running our country.[7] I think I would make fine decisions and do the best I can.[8]
Who knows what the future will bring?[9]
I’m a little disappointed that this makes no mention of the fact that around the age of six (and well before charges of double homicide), I wanted to change my name to "Kevin O.J. Simpson." That explanation would have made for quite the cute-but-ultimately-shitty mini-essay.
Excerpt from Air Strike 2, Back In Action
I saw General Peters across the sky.
“Hi’ya Red Leader, how ya’ doin’?” said David.
“Hurmphh,” he replied. “I figured you could use some help. The subs’ positions will appear on your tactical displays. Each o’ya will be paired with a sub. Do loops, target ‘em, and you know the rest.”
David and I did it fast, and easily destroyed our targets. We were celebrating just as bright balls of fire in the shapes of the other F-16s lit up the sky.
[1] Bar-back?
[2] But probably not.
[3] Not coincidentally, this was written right around the peak years of Law and Order. If I remember correctly, I think I just wanted to carry around a gun and woo Angie Harmon with my overt masculinity.
[4] For those whom I have told that I wasn’t going anywhere else: yeah, I wasn’t kidding.
[5] And Angie Harmon.
[6] I love that I included this AFTER mentioning my detective aspirations. “Yeah I mean, I think I want to be a detective, and the President.”
[7] You know, like that other job besides President that has to do with running the country.
[8] Senator McCain, your rebuttal? “That’s as well as I could have said it, right there. I’d like to cancel the rest of this debate and endorse Bobby Teenager, Wolf.”
[9] A blog.
It should be no surprise that not only was "Air Strike 2: Back in Action" the second installment of my fifth grade "Air Strike" trilogy, nor that I was forced to submit an excerpt because A)each installment was 3000+ words, and B) I swore in the following sentence (those other F-16's lighting up the sky were piloted by my friends- one of whom may have been Nick).
I felt slighted by the end of the year awards ceremony in Ms. Nugent's fifth grade class, as I got beat out for the "best writer" award, and settled for the designation of "most prolific writer."
Nothing has changed, except David from the story now calls himself "Gunna" and is going to jail for selling crack. No joke.
Reply to this