In these troubling times, the country has never been more in need of a beacon of hope. As the unemployment rate rises, the stock market falls, and the lame-duck government stands still, the American people cry out for a new leader, a new light to lead us into the daunting future that the coming months present. Our children will be born into inherited debt, and unpredictable and unprecedented wars halfway across the globe that show no signs of ending. The last eight years have been an unmitigated disaster, led by an administration that thought nothing of rewriting the constitution to acquiesce to its own misguided intentions. As the country finally transitions to face the demands the 21^st Century asks of us, its still-buoyant citizens reach for a brand-new star. For these reasons, Shatterfaced strongly endorses Steve Zahn for People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2008.

                As the face of a new generation, Zahn will take his boyish, 5’7” good looks and meet challenges head on. In Saving Silverman, Zahn brought sexiness to a whole new level, stealing every scene from Amanda Peet with a radiating eroticism never before seen in cinema. That Thing You Do! would have had the sexiness of an episode of “Sponge Bob Square Pants” had Zahn not dominated Tom Everett Scott’s Ernie-from-Billy Madison-level acting ability. Recently, Zahn co-starred with Christian Bale in Rescue Dawn, where even the uber-sexy Bale came away saying “It was difficult to wear sweatpants around that guy, if you know what I’m saying. You don’t? What I’m saying is that I couldn’t control my erection. Yes, around Steve Zahn. So it would be awkward to wear sweatpants. Yeah, I know.”*

                It would be particularly devastating if People looked to someone other than Zahn – say, I don’t know, Hugh Jackman or somebody who is decidedly less sexy than Steve Zahn – to lead us into 2009 as a sexy nation. After all, Hugh Jackman’s wife is kind of ugly. He can get better.

*SOURCE: Nick Blake Library of Obscure (And by Obscure, I Mean ‘Totally False’) Quotes, Sept. 23, 2005