NOTE: Author #5, the muh-fuh-in Frenchman

Yesterday, during my (and I suppose, anyone’s) perpetual ADD ritual of surfing the internet, I stumbled upon a true miracle of a story.  In perusing the headlines on CNN.com, one title in particular, for some silly reason, really jumped out at me amongst the stories about the Dow dropping another 200 points and Mark Cuban’s now federally-confirmed douchebaggery.  The fascinating header ran like the half-baked plotline of a post-True Lies Schwarzenegger movie: “Pregnant Man Gives Birth.” 

“FINALLY,” I let out aloud before clicking. “Some sad fuck gave Ann Coulter some hog.”

After further investigation, I was saddened to find out that the prize for “Having Intercourse with Ann Coulter and Subsequent Self-Castration” had yet to be awarded.

All the better, I thought, as my preferred internet truth source - my roommate – channeling (I believe) Yeats, stated, “Some Chinese dude had a fucking kid!” Despite my grave disbelief, I came to discover that an individual known to friends as “Thomas Beatie” had in fact given birth to a healthy (and, someday, horribly maladjusted) baby girl. 

Upon immediate digestion of this news, I strained to keep my mind from wandering into the wilderness of unparalleled discomfort that is the act of envisioning a man giving birth.  Futility crept in, however, and soon I was barraged by an onslaught of images of the most repulsive nature: watermelons being hammered through strainers; babies coughing out their ribcages; Candy Crowley trying to fit into size six chinos*.  In short, my mind had turned into Paris Hilton’s professional acting career: irreverent, nauseating, and atrociously void of any vaginas.**

Once I had recovered from this initial horror, further reading revealed – to my profound relief – that Thomas Beatie had in fact been born a woman and retained all of the necessary birthing parts, but had chosen to live in outward appearance as a man, surgically reducing his/her breasts and taking hormones to grow facial hair. 

I can see it now: the execs at Fox – between burning miniature crosses on the lawn of their to-scale model of the White House – are killing themselves right now to come up with a reality TV show featuring Mr. (Mrs.?) Beatie.  Naturally, they are sticking to their foolproof formula for creating outrageous, embarrassingly popular reality TV shows:

R = (W + T + S)/V

Where “R” = reality TV show, “W” = weird shit, “T” = trashy, relatively attractive sluts, “S” = scripted, depressing-to-witness drama, and “V” = an utterly silly voting process used to eliminate show participants and, by consequence, bitter viewers.  Could Rupert Murdock’s neo-con producers be on the brink of bestowing upon the public a bizarre new spin of Extreme Makeover or, better yet, a pilot for Real Housewives of the Moral Apocalypse?

But I digress.  Even if Fox doesn’t go ahead with shitty TV show #789,281, I’m at least going to kick back and pour out a beer for modern medical marvels.

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: ew.

**NOTE FROM THE EDITOR, PART II: Clearly, the Frenchman hasn’t had the, um, pleasure? of viewing “One night in Paris.”