Here's a quick way to make a few bucks: write a polarizing political book! Don't be intimidated, it's simple! Anybody can do it. Just follow these three easy steps, and you'll be well on your way:

1) STREET CRED

First, you have to earn some respect - or if not respect, a reputation. Make a statement with which you are SURE that 90% of the country would vehemently disagree. Remember, that's 30 million people you're still working with! Douche bags, perhaps, but people!

NOTE: Be sure that the statement won't make you TOO famous as to begin to sound trite. Maintain some of your enigmatic status. Think Dobbs, not O'Reilly.

2) YOUR TITLE

After you've earned your street cred, you can begin to write your book! Make sure to follow this very specific formula when creating your title:

"Ambiguous but Declarative Semi-Cliche: How the Research Only I Mysteriously Have Access to Completely Validated Every Political Belief I've Ever Had"

It's easier than it might look, promise. Make sure that the pre-colon title could also double for an emo song - i.e. "Hollow Judgment:", "Fermented Rhetoric:", "Draining Cats and Dogs:", etc.

3) GENERATE REVIEWS

This is simple but essential, because the photo of you crossing your arms with a shit-eating smirk on your face will only take up so much of the cover. It doesn't even matter if the reviews are taken out of context - that's what the ellipsis was created for! Watch and learn – the most scathing review becomes your most flagrant puff-piece!

“(Blake) clearly has his head so far up his fat ass that he is unable to see what your average autistic blind boy understands by the time he is mercifully brought home from the hospital. This is a book that puts in perspective child pornography as something that could possibly benefit society. Mr. Blake has peed all of his morals out of a fourth story window in the middle of a Tuesday, landing on a family of four who was celebrating their youngest child’s elementary school graduation. Any of his rivals could spend the rest of their lives forcing homeless people to fight to the death for sport, and they would still be more revered than this holocaust of a human being. If it is one day revealed that his great-grandfather dug out the Underground Railroad with his fingernails, Mr. Blake will have still put his memory to shame with this atrocity. I seriously hope the next plane he steps on depressurizes over the Rocky Mountains.”
-The Lubbock Star-Telegram

From that, to this!

"(Blake) clearly…puts...all of his...rivals...to shame."
-The Lubbock Star-Telegram

Welp, there you have it. And while I can’t help you on your 400 pages of conspiratorial nonsense, these three steps will certainly set you in the right direction. New York Times Bestseller List, Here YOU come!